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Girl Scout Cookies

January 23, 2009

I haven’t updated this blog in a while because I simply haven’t needed to. Since my meltdown a while back, I’ve done extremely well at handling my disease and its restrictions. It’s like all of my anger at the situation and fear at screwing up left my body that night, and I’ve had this extremely positive outlook ever since. I easily dealt with my family eating Godiva chocolates at Christmas (I think the GF fudge and coconut balls helped); I’ve had no trouble watching my coworkers eat the donuts that get brought in to work on occasion; and I’ve done just fine sticking to my own foods at the potlucks I’ve been too (although it’s been super nice to have friends who bring GF dishes for me). But yesterday was tough. Yesterday I struggled like I hadn’t done since that horrible night in November. Yesterday, somebody started selling Girl Scout cookies at work.

Now, I had been reminded about Girl Scout cookies once before, way back in August or September, when I was still discovering what foods I would no longer be able to enjoy. But I haven’t thought about them since. That’s important to the rest of this story because I think the main reason I’ve done so well recently is that I’ve been able to brace myself against the sights of all my old favorite foods. I’ve built up armor that protects me from the emotions I feel when encountering foods that I love but can’t eat, so that when I see them, I’ve already toughened myself up enough that I’m not phased. But Girl Scout cookies have been a favorite of mine since I was in first grade and first became a Girl Scout myself.

Every year for twelve years I faithfully sold and enjoyed those cookies, and I have never grown out of my love for them. They are simply the best cookies around. The way the Peanut Butter Patties (my favorite) melt in your mouth with that creamy peanut-buttery chocolatey goodness just can’t be beat. And when I saw the cookies for sale in the kitchen yesterday, my first emotion was pure excitement. My first thought was of whether or not I had enough cash in my wallet to buy some. I could literally taste the cookies in my mouth, and I simply had to have them. Then, just as I was about to turn around and head for my purse with the anticipation of a 5-year-old, it dawned on me. I can’t eat those cookies. In fact, I will never be able to eat them again… ever.

I can’t even describe how much of a let down that realization was. I had no mental armor up. I wasn’t prepared for that particular situation. I felt so deflated, like the balloon containing all of the excitement and joy in my life had just been popped. It’s ridiculous for me to have been so affected by a simple cookie, and yet, I was. I feel foolish. How can food have such an impact on me? There is so much more to life than a few little Girl Scout cookies. It’s stupid that I got so upset. But I can’t help it. Like it or not, this whole dealing-with-Celiac-thing is tough. And I find myself now dreading the next unexpected event, because as I learned yesterday, without my armor, I’m defenseless.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. Nancy Lapid permalink
    January 24, 2009 10:08 am

    Dear Sabrina,
    That’s what grief is like — overwhelming at first, and then it recedes, or you learn to keep it under control… but every once it while, when you don’t have your guard up, something reminds you of what you’ve lost and you get slammed in the heart. On my own web site, I’ve written about my grief when I realized what giving up gluten meant , and earlier this week The Savvy Celiac wrote about celiac grief, too.

    It sounds like you’ve been doing a great job staying gluten free. Try to do something nice for yourself while you’re feeling so down. And perhaps it will help you to realize you’re setting a good example for others who may need to have willpower in some other aspect of their lives.

    –Nancy

  2. gfgirlaustin permalink
    January 26, 2009 8:39 am

    Nancy,

    Thanks for your comment. The articles about grief were interesting – it never really occurred to me that that’s what I was feeling. Seems kind of ridiculous to go through grief over food, but like you said, it affects every aspect of your life. It’s definitely a challenge to deal with.

    -Sabrina

  3. Anonymous permalink
    February 23, 2009 5:45 pm

    Hey, it’s not REALLY a replacement, but try making “Rice Krispy Treats” with cocoa pebbles and add 1/2 a cup of flaked coconut when you add the cereal to the melted marshmallows. They taste a lot like Samoas.

    It does get better . . .

  4. gfgirlaustin permalink
    February 24, 2009 7:32 am

    Thanks, I’ll have to try that! =)

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